


Signed and Sealed

by BlackVelvet42



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/M, Fluff, Light Angst, Romance, XOs for the XOs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26270791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVelvet42/pseuds/BlackVelvet42
Summary: “Caught up in her own private misery, she had given little consideration to the fact that Chakotay was in the exact same situation as she was. The realization made her uneasy.”
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 64
Kudos: 149
Collections: XOs for the XOs





	Signed and Sealed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coffeeblack75](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeblack75/gifts).



> Thank you so much, coffeeblack75, for the exquisite beta on this and all the other stories you’ve betaed, and for all your kind words and support, enthusiasm and positivity. You are a true gem, my friend<3

* * *

The flashbacks started soon after their return to _Voyager_. Recollections of New Earth flooding into her mind at the most inconvenient moments. One second she was listening to briefings, reading reports, or watching the viewscreen trying to focus on another nebula that might or might not contain resources they needed, and the next she was back on the planet. 

Walking down the forest trail to her traps, breathing in the air fresh after rain. Digging her fingers into the warm soil, claiming the land that was now their home. Lifting her face to the night sky and stars still unfamiliar to her, stars she thought she would never travel again.

Maybe she shouldn’t have been surprised by the images taking over. Strong emotions created strong memories and the whole three months they’d stayed on New Earth had been one stream of emotion, ranging from shock to denial and onto a bittersweet acceptance that life had completely altered course and everything she had valued and strived to achieve was now forever out of her reach. Chakotay’s patience and gentle understanding of her slow adjustment had been her lifeline, his support and example invaluable in lighting a path forward. The carefully built confession of his feelings had only been the peak of that journey, bringing them to a mountaintop where the possibilities of their future opened before them in all beauty and sorrow.

They’d been so close to taking that first step to intimacy. After his speech where he all but named his love and her response that confirmed she felt the same, it seemed like every move and gaze was heavy with longing, the anticipation like a living entity, pulling them inevitably together. A few weeks, perhaps days, more and they would have given in, sinking into the long-awaited closeness, kisses and touches burning away the loss, the loneliness, and the fear of the unknown. In her heart, they’d already made love, the feel of him so vivid and real in her mind. And she couldn’t help a bitterness creeping into her chest. If only they had been gifted a few weeks more.

In truth, being rescued was a blessing, of course it was, even if she did have to remind herself of that. The uniform was basically her second skin, the expectations laid upon her as captain the energy that pushed her forward. But the return wasn’t as easy or as liberating as she had thought it would be. The corridors appeared longer than she remembered, the rooms smaller, even the stars that had always filled her with a breathtaking sense of adventure and exploration seemed, for a while, like weak lights in a dark grave.

She recognized she was mourning. Not that she was back on her ship and her duties, but all she had to leave behind. Life had once again shifted course and the readjustment was a struggle not only for her mind but for her heart as well. The melancholy was probably expected, more a natural reaction than any reason for worry, but as the feeling didn’t pass and she was forced to examine it closer, her thoughts drifted to the person sharing her future – all her futures.

Caught up in her own private misery, she had given little consideration to the fact that Chakotay was in the exact same situation as she was. The realization made her uneasy.

The look on his face at hearing Tuvok’s voice through the combadge had mirrored her own. Utter shock. Dreams shattered in a blink of an eye. But while she was still struggling for air as the earth was falling from under her, his shock had already turned into a sad smile, meant to encourage both himself and her, assuring them that _Voyager_ ’s return was for the best.

His ability to adjust was confusing. Admirable yet incomprehensible. Nevertheless, she should have understood that his graceful acceptance didn’t mean the absence of pain. He just hid his feelings better, slipping quietly back into the role expected of him. The role she expected of him. And she couldn’t shake off the sense of unfairness, somehow spiraling around what he had said that one night on New Earth. About an angry warrior. Who found his peace with her. By placing her needs first.

Her needs. First.

The full meaning of those words dawned on her with a lash of guilt. Along with that insight, as if emerging from a fog, came a new perspective on their past.

In all the time she’d known him, he’d rarely spoken of his needs. His desires, his pleasures. He’d told her about his childhood and the restless years trying to find his place in the world, his family and his culture, both cherished and resented, even revealed some of the hopes he harbored for a distant future back on Earth. But whenever they talked about the present, he managed to fade himself into the background and steer the discussion to the crew, the ship, and her instead. As if serving others was enough to complete him.

While she... Oh, what a huge scene she had made about a lot of things! Her ship, her bridge, her mission, her command. Her father, her fiancé, her dog, her career. Her coffee, her baths, her books, her– Even her position as captain was, in the end, about her view of what was best, what risks she was willing to take, what goals she valued over others. Her decisions, her responsibility. And now that she was coping with change, mourning the loss of a happiness that had been equally important to Chakotay, what did he do? Helped her adjust, silently doing everything he could to make the shift as easy for her as possible and hiding whatever he was feeling in the process.

The worst part was that nothing had essentially changed. This was how their relationship had been from the start. She could always say to herself that the Delta Quadrant had kept her too busy, that she had been too focused elsewhere to notice the imbalance, but that would have been a lie. As their relationship had gradually moved from professional to the tempting but dangerous waters of friendship where they should have been equals, she had still kept all the strings in her hands. Anything else would have been too threatening and, if she was truly honest, she wasn’t sure if she knew any other way to be in a relationship of any kind. 

Because he had quietly agreed to her control, there had been no need for her to change, but now, having already pictured a life with him, everything about their relationship felt unbalanced. After weeks of sleepless nights, mulling over the impossibility of their situation and vacillating between solutions that all seemed unacceptable, she saw no choice but to take the path she most dreaded. Going to him and having an actual conversation.

With the excuse of continuing their weekly dinners, she invited him to her quarters, the first private moment since their return. The music and the candles were just like before, but still, no matter how much they both pretended nothing had changed, a heightened awareness of what exactly they could be to each other had sneaked into the room, creating a tension impossible to ignore. 

Barely touching her food, she studied him closely.

He seemed content. Relaxed, enjoying the meal, the unhurried calm, her company too. The feeling was certainly mutual. Of all the people on _Voyager_ , he was the one she felt most comfortable with. Even after New Earth. Especially after New Earth.

“See anything you like?” The gentle tease in his voice brought her back to the present, his crooked smile letting her know she had been staring at him a little too long not to raise his curiosity.

Her first impulse was to dodge. Steer them back to the familiar, safe waters where nothing about their feelings for each other was discussed explicitly. His playfulness even supported a quick and smooth exit. But then the sting of guilt stirred inside her again. 

“I was thinking about New Earth,” she finally said, deciding to go with sincerity but feeling suddenly smaller, unsure how to approach a subject she had avoided for as long as she could remember. “And you. We haven’t really talked since we came back. How are you, Chakotay?”

“Me? I’m… fine, all things considered.” The question clearly took him by surprise, but he gathered himself soon enough. “It’s taken some time to get back to my routines but, in all, I’m happy to be here again. Why would you ask? Is everything alright?”

She swirled the wine glass in her hand, gazing into its depths as if the confidence she wished for would be found there. 

“Coming back and resuming our journey hasn’t been as easy as I thought,” she admitted and, after a hesitance, added, “I’ve been feeling… sad.”

His hand immediately came to cover hers. “Anything I can do to help?”

She looked at their joined hands, a perfect reflection of their relationship. Him protecting her, crossing the line to closeness only on the rare occasions when she signaled that she welcomed it. She pulled her hand away and sighed.

“It’s not quite so simple. I–” 

Uncertain how to continue, she glanced at him. His dark eyes were watching her intently, his whole presence tuned to her like he always was, patient in giving her the time she needed. Such a priceless gift yet something she had come to take for granted. Drawing strength from her resolve to face her mistakes, she took a deep breath and plunged headfirst into the water.

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the story you told me. About the angry warrior.”

“Ah.” His face lit up in understanding. “My not-so-subtle confession of my feelings for you. Had I known we would be back in command structure one day, I wouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry if it now makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s not that. It was a beautiful moment and I hope my feelings were equally clear even if I couldn’t find words for them at the time, but there is one part in the story I can’t seem to let go.”

A furrow appeared on his forehead. “And what’s that?”

“What you said about my needs coming before yours.” She searched his eyes for his reaction. “Is that true? Is that how you see our relationship?”

Chakotay leaned back, visibly relieved that her concerns weren’t graver. “Let me put it this way. You’ve been handed an incredible responsibility captaining this ship, keeping us alive, and getting us home. Your wellbeing is crucial to all of us, our lives might literally depend on it. So yes, as I said, I’d do anything to make your burden lighter.”

Once again, he was offering her the easy way out. She refused to take it. “You’re just as valuable to our mission, Chakotay. And to me. But what I’m asking is, do you feel my needs come before yours? That yours are less important than mine? And I don’t just mean professionally, but personally, too.” 

A tug on his ear, a telltale sign she had caught him.

“Since Kathryn and the captain are the same person, I’m not sure if I can make the distinction.”

“Indulge me.”

The corner of his mouth twitched at her persistence.

“I wouldn’t say less important, but given our circumstances, yes, I would say I place your needs above mine.” Seeing the objection form on her face, he hastened to continue. “It’s not a sacrifice, mind you, I’m not giving up anything. Making you happy makes me happy too, simple as that. I’m perfectly content in my role, both the professional and the personal.”

“That’s just it. I don’t think I’ve given you enough credit or opportunities in either role and I’m so, so sorry it’s taken me so long to see this. Our professional roles are one thing and we can discuss them tomorrow on duty, but our personal relationship is a whole other thing. I don’t think an imbalance like that can be accepted. It’s not fair and it’s not right. In the long run, it could never work.”

Chakotay smiled.

“What is it?” she asked, the shift in his mood confusing her.

“So, even though we’re not on New Earth anymore, we do have a personal relationship? Is that what you’re saying? That we should define new parameters for our changed situation?” his smile widened as she bit her lip.

He wasn’t wrong.

“Well, yes. I guess that is what I am saying.”

“Okay, fine then,” Chakotay stood up, took her hand, and led her to the couch. “I’m going to get us some coffee. This might take a while.”

Sitting down, trying to find a comfortable position, she fought the urge to get up and run. The conversation didn’t seem like such a great idea anymore.

Chakotay didn’t hurry, perhaps giving them both a chance to regroup their thoughts.

“My answer would, naturally, depend on the kind of relationship you think is possible, Kathryn,” he said carrying the cups. Such a cautious, diplomatic approach. So Chakotay.

She took the steaming coffee he offered, the scent refueling her confidence. “You know the limits, Chakotay. They haven’t changed. I just feel if we–”

She fell silent. She was doing it again. Making the rules, defining possibilities, and telling him how things were going to be instead of actually listening to what he had to say.

“No. I’m sorry, Chakotay. This isn’t about me. I want to hear what you think.”

He didn’t look bothered. He took a sip, then placed the cup down and turned to her, regarding her with more seriousness, like he was deliberating how honest and straightforward she wanted him to be. “You know what I want, Kathryn.”

Her heart beat faster. They were going to have the talk. On _Voyager_. In her quarters.

“That’s not possible. I’m not saying it isn’t what I would like as well, but before we get–” She paused and let her head fall in defeat. “This is a horrible habit.”

What was this obsession with being in control?

She crossed her fingers on her lap and tried again, forcing out the words she knew were true but that terrified her all the same, words that led them far, far away from her comfort zone. “There has to be an option between nothing and everything.”

Leaning back against the pillows, easing off the tension that so quickly escalated whenever they were alone, he took a more reflective stance. “We already work together. We spend some of our free time together. We have weekly candlelit dinners. We seek each other for guidance, support, and even consolation. My most meaningful moments and conversations are with you. I don’t know what more I could ask for without stepping over the limits.”

The picture he painted of their relationship was strikingly intimate. In essence, he was describing the life of two people dating. Certainly not the typical interaction of captain and first officer. How had she been so blind?

When she couldn’t find a thing to say, he reached out and squeezed her hand, ready to back away. “I really am content with what we have, Kathryn. I hope you can see it and believe it. We don’t have to change anything if you’re the least bit uncertain if it’s what you want too.”

“I’d just like for our relationship to be more equal. That you would feel free to tell me what you want, that we could find ways for our time together to fit both our needs.”

“You know, no one is forcing me to stay. If I wasn’t content, I would speak to you about it and if I’d still be unhappy, I would start spending my time with someone else. I respect the boundaries you’ve set, Kathryn, I understand their necessity. And I’m more than willing to settle for what we have. For now.”

The prospect of him one day giving up on waiting for her wasn’t nearly as painful as the idea that he wouldn’t. 

She shook her head, gaining new momentum at his words. “I can’t accept that. It’s too much to ask, from anyone. I’d really like to add something to our relationship that you want for yourself. Selfishly. Only because you want it.”

Chakotay stared at her as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. As if she was the most frustrating, most stubborn woman in the galaxy, even when she was trying to do good. Then he stood up, hands spread in resignation.

“Fine. Let me tell you what I want.” He turned and paced the room. “I want to be able to hold your hand without worrying if I might be crossing the line. Hug you if I feel like it. I’d like for us to have breakfasts together sometimes, and to go on shore leaves, real shore leaves, not just to attend formal diplomatic events but to relax together. I’d love for you to stay longer after our dinners, to talk or to share a silence, whatever, but not for you to run away at the first sign of closeness. And I’d be thrilled if you’d wear something else than a uniform to our dinners, a dress maybe, since you like them so much, let your amazing hair flow wild and free, and later dance with me with your head on my shoulder and my arm around your waist. The problem is, we both know how close these are to that invisible barrier we’re supposed to avoid like the plague because god forbid if I ever held you in my arms I might not be able to resist kissing you like I’ve dreamed of doing a million times, or to whisper my love for you before carrying you into my bed and breaking down those damn barriers so thoroughly that you couldn’t even remember they ever existed.”

In the sudden silence, she could barely breathe. Her heart thundering its agreement, her mind screaming its warnings, the conflict was as real as always, only more palpable and urgent now that his passion was out in the open, not veiled behind ancient legends but raw and honest, frightening in its force. What he was suggesting would leave her completely vulnerable, without any shield whatsoever, and the idea was as terrifying as it was reckless. But this time, she wouldn’t flee.

“I could perhaps wear a dress for you,” she said quietly. “And maybe a dance wouldn’t be so very dangerous, I think?”

Chakotay let out a burst of helpless laughter. “Oh, Kathryn. Just being in the same room with you is dangerous.”

He came back to the couch, knelt in front of her, and took her hands into his.

“But since you asked, this is what I want. I want you, Kathryn Janeway, all of you. Yes, it’s been difficult to come back knowing that by now we could have been together on New Earth. Still, if I weigh these two options, I’d choose _Voyager_ every time. If you want to go back to how we were, you’ll hear no objection from me, but if we open this door, I can’t promise I won’t press us to go further. We don’t have to define the boundaries because I don’t think it’s a solid, unchanging object that can be defined, but I need to know we’re moving forward. Even if the progress is slow. _That_ is what I need, Kathryn.”

Her heart ached at the beauty of him. She could have taken her time to consider, but there really was no point.

“You do realize this is going to be the longest courtship in the history of mankind, Chakotay?”

His smile warmed her from head to toe.

“Or the shortest,” he said, winking before glancing down bashfully.

She lifted his hands to her lips, kissed them both in turn, then looked into his eyes. “I hear you, Chakotay, and I understand what you’re saying. I can’t see into the future and I can’t promise it’ll be a smooth road, but I trust your judgement and I promise we’ll move forward.”

For a moment, she was sure he’d kiss her then and there, but he only nodded and got up. Grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair, he stopped once more.

“So basically,” he said with an unmistakably mischievous grin, “you just gave me official permission to court you. Right?”

He was like a young man again, excited and energized.

“Why, I guess I did, Commander.”

“I’m so glad we had this discussion, Captain.” He threw the jacket over his shoulder and headed to the door. Like a business deal signed and sealed, waiting to be delivered. “Sleep well, Kathryn. You need to gather your strength. Tomorrow is the beginning of some serious wooing.”

* * *


End file.
